You Scare Them

“You scare them”, she said. 

“You’re too loud. I know you want to speak what’s on your mind, but you need to learn when to sit back, nod your head and agree”. 

So that was it. I was too loud. I spoke my mind too often. I was too debateful. I expressed my opinions too openly. I was not what a female should be. I did not fall in line with what was seen as the ideal female. Someone who sits down quietly and who doesn’t argue. Someone who accepts things that are said to them, without questioning it and without debate. Someone who doesn’t try to address her thoughts to an entire room of people. Someone who knows her place. I was not polite when something sexist was said to me. I was not submissive when I was told, “We need man power. You’re not needed here”, and my boss tried to lay me off for the next two weeks. I was not agreeable when someone asked me to go along with something that went against my ethics. I did not sit back, nod my head and agree when they blatantly expressed that they were about to fuck with vulnerable people’s lives. I spoke up, and I spoke up loudly.

I am not the ideal woman. Not here, not anywhere. Worldwide, there is a silent consensus of what a woman should resemble. She is someone who is subordinate, submissive, who listens to what’s said to her, and who doesn’t try to disagree with a man. She is someone who is calm, nurturing, sensitive, and respectful. She is someone who has learned over time that her opinions and ideas are not needed. She is someone who is seen as taking up space if she’s trying to contribute something outside of her role. She is someone who must allow her thoughts to stir up in her head, and then try to forget about them later. And then there’s me – the polar opposite. The kind of woman men believe need to be contained. Controlled. Monitored. Regulated. At all costs. She’s the kind of woman that men see as radical and opiniated. She’s the kind of woman who is passionate, head-strong, and who fights to be heard. She’s the kind of woman who is tired of listening to society telling her that her opinions and ideas are lesser than those of a man. She’s the kind of woman who will stand up and debate with anyone who doesn’t see what’s morally right. She’s the kind of woman who needs to be loud and bold in order to be taken seriously. She is someone who will fight for others, and for herself.

She’s simply a person. A person who has been told her entire life, same as her mother, sisters, cousins, aunts, and grandmothers once did, that she needs to sit quietly, do what is asked, and look pretty for people to like her. That her obedience and beauty are the only things that will truly take her anywhere. That she must secure herself with a man. That she must obey a man. That she must listen to and respect all men and obey their requests. She has been shown her entire life that she will never be equal to a man. She has been shown in stories, in movies, in books, and in her everyday life, what is expected from women. That it’s normal for women to not be able to express themselves freely. That it’s normal for women to not have equal opportunities. That it’s normal for women not to be able to have control over their own bodies. That it’s normal for women not to follow their own desires. That it’s normal for women to be seen as objects of beauty. That it’s normal for women to regulate their every move, thought and decision. That it’s normal for women to be victimized by men. 

I did not fall in line with what was seen as the ideal woman. And I refuse to. I will never fall in line with the patriarchal, heteronormative, archaic, fascist ideologies of what a woman should be. What a woman should do. What a woman should think. How a woman should behave. I’ve been crushed and stomped on and taken for granted and punched and abused by men far too often in my life to ever succumb to their rules. Women and women’s bodies do not exist to be controlled by men. We don’t exist to obey men. We don’t exist to submit to men. We don’t exist to please men. We don’t exist to gratify men. We don’t exist simply for men. We exist because we matter as individuals. We exist because we are valuable. We exist because we can contribute so much to the world and those around us. We exist because we are important. We exist because we are powerful. We exist not because of men, but we exist in spite of men. 

“You scare them”, she said.
What I should have replied is, “They should be scared.”