Poetry
The Ghost of Eglinton West
My father grew up in Toronto
Where the streets of Eglinton West were lined
With mosaics and synagogues
On every corner.
Where I nibbled on fresh
Montreal style bagels
But never belonged.
The swastikas. I saw them -
On the TV of my grandparents’ home
The eclectic cacophony of multicultural
Decorations
As the background for so much hate
“Jews will not replace us”
The TV screeched as my
Mother pulled the plug.
Back in California, I’m just as alone.
It’s not like the Los Angeles suburbs
Where my mother grew up.
I was the “only Jewish kid in the school” Jew
The “haha I get eight days of presents and you get one” Jew
And I was a performance trying to fit in.
The “eating a ham and cheese sandwich on challah during Passover just because I can” Jew -
With pent up queer preteen spirit to rebel
Against a culture that did nothing for me -
But allow me to advertise a cheap stunt of capitalism
And persecuted my nonconformance
The nightmares started at six.
The fiery hellscapes of “did nothing wrong” Jews
Of real Jews
“You’re not a real Jew” Jew
I’m the “first in my family to not have a b’nai mitzvah” Jew
“Broke the grandparents’ hearts” Jew
The “teenager holding onto a constant for dear life” Jew
The “referencing the Torah in poetry for some reason” Jew
“Lost in the desert of religion for fourteen years” Jew.
The “why can’t I be like everyone else?” Jew
The bad Jew.
The fake Jew.
The autistic Jew.
The queer Jew.
The “gonna burn in hell even though Jews don’t believe in hell” Jew
None of them care.
Homogeneity - the constant that they see
We span the world twice over.
Gone.
And I cry for the people who fall
At the hands of
“Intergenerational trauma that brainwashes” Jews,
“So used to being prey they become the predator” Jews
And I see myself in them both.
But I’m nobody. I’m a performance -
A performance of gender
Of neurotype,
Of culture
Just a whisper of
Thoughts in crematoriums
Children under rubble
Bubbe’s tchotkes
And a star of David necklace -
Buried in a jewelry box.
Somewhere.
And my hope that was buried
In the streets of Eglinton West.